Discernment: The Art of Good Judgement

    I’ve been in the lucky position over the past year to have a plethora of opportunities to discern, not only on my own account but also to help others discern difficult decisions that they have had to make in their lives. Unfortunately though, permeating throughout a lot of these experiences, I’ve noticed a concerning trend in the way that people discern. A trend that, I have to admit, I followed for a lot of my life. What is the trend? It is a form of discernment that originates, and is sustained, solely through feeling. This a problem because our feelings should be the fuel that ignites our intellect, calls it into action, not the reason in and of itself that we choose to do things.
    I began to uncover this trend of discernment in my own life when I started to realize that I had no idea where I was truly headed as far as my vocation (marriage/priesthood) was concerned, or why I was headed in the direction of marriage. I went through a period of time where I noticed I had not adequately discerned what God was calling me to do in my life, and this bothered me greatly. For the longest time, I had been sure that I was called to marriage, I had devoted a large amount of time and effort to follow that call, and rarely, if ever, had I been unsure that it was indeed what I was called to. But slowly, over time, a doubt began to creep up on me, a doubt that told me that I might be headed in the wrong direction; a doubt that lead me to deeper contemplation and an unsettling realization that I really couldn’t articulate why I believed I was called to marriage.
    This doubt began to gnaw away at me, so I ran to God through prayer. I begged for a clear answer. I asked for signs, I asked him to guide me, to take away the doubt, but nothing changed. After a while, I realized that this approach wasn’t working. Every time something happened in my life, I was jumping to conclusions, thinking that it was supposed to tell me something about the decision I was trying to make. Sometimes I would convince myself that I’d gotten my answer, only to realize later that this “answer” was more of a feeling than anything else. However, without any real reasons for following the feeling, the doubt would just creep back in.
    This realization led me to change gears. I began frequent and focused reflections on my life. In doing so, I noticed that a lot of the decisions that I made were almost knee-jerk reactions to feelings without any real engagement of intellect. So, I tried to be more aware of my feelings, when they changed, and most importantly, why they changed. The more reflection I did, the more I realized that my feelings were informed by my intellect, my habits, and my beliefs, and not the other way around. When I felt joy, it was because I was doing things or observing things that I knew to be good and wholesome. When I felt bad, it was because I was doing things that were bad, or avoiding doing things that I knew to be good. When I was angry about something, it was because I perceived that I had been wronged in some way. But, all of this was not always immediately obvious.
    The idea that our feelings are informed by our intellect, habit, and beliefs may not be immediately apparent because of the way that we think about things these days, but with some contemplation we can understand it properly. In order to feel good or bad (i.e. our conscience is making us feel a certain way) about something, we must first have a few things. We must have a basic understanding of what is good and what is bad, we must know enough about the thing before us to perceive whether it is right or wrong, and we must have a habit of reacting properly to things that are right and wrong. If I know nothing about good or evil (e.g. I’m a baby) I’m not going to feel bad when I witness someone stealing something. If I don’t know that a piece of paper sitting on a table is actually someone’s thesis and I think it’s trash, I’m not gonna feel bad when someone throws it in a trash can. If I have formed a habit of using foul language, I’m probably not going to feel that bad if I use foul language around children.
    These reflections helped me to realize something very important. I was approaching discernment backwards. Instead of allowing my feelings and emotions to fuel my intellect, driving it to further contemplation of the decisions that I had in front of me, I was - in many cases - simply following them wherever they pulled me. This led me down a path towards a better understanding of what my feelings really were.
    Because I had formed a habit of just following my feelings when I couldn’t quite place where they were coming from, I was badly out of practice at understanding the chains of events that would make me feel a certain way. However, the more time that I spent studying myself, the more clarity I began to have when it came to understanding my reactions. Often, if I “felt called” to do something without any apparent reason, it was because I perceived that thing to be good but hadn’t taken the time to understand why.
    This conclusion finally led me to the proper path of discernment. I spent a considerable amount of time contemplating what the root of this doubt was. I quickly began to realize that the doubt would swell up in me during times of academic or social stress, when I was struggling with things that I would need to succeed at if I wanted to get married and support a family. Further, I realized that often, this feeling of doubt was not actually doubt at all, but fear. Fear that I was incapable of living out a good marriage, fear that I may actually be called to the priesthood when I had no inclination towards it, fear of not knowing where God was leading me, and other things of a similar vein.
    After this realization, I was finally able to experience peace. Every time I began to experience doubt or fear, I reminded myself that I had nothing to fear, I reminded myself that the very best that I could do at this point in my life was follow the doors that were open to me, and that I had no reason to fear whatever call God had for me.
   Now, you may be wondering, what was the answer? You were wondering what your vocation was, did you figure that out? Well, in my opinion, that’s the best part of this story. Sometimes, discernment doesn’t give us the answer we thought we wanted. I still don’t know for sure what I’m called to, I don’t think any of us really know for sure until we have taken vows to another person or to Christ. Discernment didn’t lead me to the answer that I was looking for, it led me to the answer that I needed. It led me to realize that I had fears in my life that I wasn’t addressing, that I was holding back in my relationship with God because I thought drawing near to him would lead me in a direction I didn’t want to go.
    Now, unfortunately, discernment is, to be plain and simple, difficult. As much as I would like to enumerate the 5 steps that will allow you to discern perfectly in every scenario, far greater men than I have written on this topic and were unable to give such concise instruction. That being said, I do have a few tips that I would recommend to those who struggle with discernment.
    First, recognize that your feelings and your conscience are informed by what you know. This is not to say that the Holy Spirit doesn’t sometimes push us in a direction with no discernable reason on our part, rather, more often than not, God guides us through the world that He created for us to live in. This means that a lot of the time when we “feel called” to something, it is because we are subliminally recognizing a good path to follow, but haven’t sat down and properly reasoned through why it’s good. Second, because your feelings and conscience are informed by what you know, get to know what you know. Get to know you. Reflect on the way that you feel about things. Seek to understand why you feel the way that you do. Don’t let your emotions drive you, let them be the fuel that awakens your intellect to engage and follow the path that God allows you to form on your way to Him.
    Third, in every situation in which you are discerning, ask yourself these questions: Is this a good thing? Is this door open? Is this a wise thing? Do I actually want this? (Thanks Fr. Mike) The first one is hopefully obvious, if you are presented with a choice to do something wrong, the right thing to do is to choose not to do said thing. The second question takes a little bit more reflection, but it’s important to recognize that not all good things are actually meant for us. For instance, going to MIT to get a degree in computer science would be good for me, but I didn’t even apply to go to MIT, so that door is obviously not open to me. The third question is important because it reminds us that some good things aren’t good for us in all situations. For instance, tomatoes are good for you, but it would not be wise to put them in a fruit salad.
    The last question, “do I actually want this?” is one that most people these days don’t really like, but I think that it’s probably one of the most important questions of them all. For some reason people have gotten this idea in their heads that God essentially forces His Will on them and will call people to do things that they have no desire to do. Don’t get me wrong God certainly calls us to do difficult things, but let’s not get our feelings mixed up with our right desire. A lot of the time, when we say that we don’t want to do something, what we really mean is that we don’t “feel good” about that thing, even though we may very well have a desire to actually do that thing. I don’t “want” to do the dishes when I go home and visit my family, but I desire to do them because my mother has already worked hard to put food on the table and I know that I should respond to that kindness. I don’t feel good about it, because it takes a lot of time and there are a lot of dirty dishes, but I desire to do it because I know it’s a good thing to do.
    Lastly, always remember that God isn’t going to just hang you out to dry. Sometimes, the best way to discern is to just pick a direction and go for it. When you’re presented with two good options and are unsure which one to take, just pick one. Don’t get caught up on picking the “right” one, God doesn’t expect you to be clairvoyant and guess His will. In fact, He may be trying to tell you to take a little bit of control over your own life. He gave you an intellect and a will for a reason, use them.